Meh

The lockdown seems to emphasise how small my world is. I am 42, single, childless, living with parents. This feels very small. My greatest fear is meaninglessness. But maybe we all are really.

Yesterday I felt like I was actually dying of laziness! Having 4 days off per week sounds greatbut can actually be hard. Today is day 4. Part of me wants to sleep every day all day, part of me is desperate to go back to work and be active.

I’m watching a lot of Netflix (I recommend Murder to Mercy and Crip Camp), zentangling a fair bit, and listening to Alicia Keys’ new book on Audible.

When this lockdown ends I need to find some new social activities. Desperately. I want to visit the Ashmolean and British Museum again, and the Natural History museums. Sigh.

Perking Up

The view from my window today.

I have been creating new habits today, including starting this blog and several other creative activities. for a long time now I have felt empty, burnt out and low. Now I am almost four weeks into taking Sertraline after switching from Citalopram and today I am feeling hopeful. I’m taking an online watercolour class, starting to write again and getting involved in the things I love. I have had trouble recalling who I am after a strange couple of years.

My favouite leaves are out in the hedgerow – Field Maple. I just likethe shape!

I went for my half hour walk after watching some TV. I walk around the block twice and try to notice all the details. It helps to take pictures.

The hedgerow.

I had to change careers last year to get out of a bad situation. I knew the situation wasn’t happy but when you’ve lived with unhappiness and tension your whole life, it doesn’t occur to you to leave! And I was so afraid to leave. I am starting to deal with my fear now, because it is stunting my life.

One of many rainbows on my walk around the block.

In February I became a Health Care Assistant. In March Covid-19 struck the UK. At first I wasn’t worried. Then I had a couple of high anxiety days before calling my GP. At work it is important not to listen to the nonsense rumours and misinformation the staff spread. I find it helpful to ask my manager, who is an Advanced Nurse Practitioner, for the facts. I try not to think about it. It can be overwhelming. It can wake you up at 3am.

I have no idea what form this journal is going to take, but I don’t get to express my thoughts or feelings very often. They have been invalidated for a long time. It’s so hard to get thoughts in order, especially when emotions are at play.

I’m not going to keep things pent up anymore, and as I’m not particularly social, and there’s a quarantine going on, I will reflect on things here and see if I can’t make sense of myself!

I wish I had a clear direction for my life. I admire people who know what they want and go after it. But I’m not sure what I want and I have a sneaky feeling it’s because I’m afraid to hope for anything. I feel powerless to do anything amazing but I know it is possible.

I occasionally have a hope but then it changes to something else. I have fads and fancies. I’m looking for what is permanent, what I need in order to survive. Surely then I would know who I am?

So I am about to start doing and learning some things I love and trying new activities, and as soon as this lockdown is over I will try to get about a bit more! Oh but people are so tricky. To tell you the truth people are difficult for me.

Adira